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I cheated on my wife and i hurt her. I want to fix myself for her.?

I have been in a relationship with my wife now for 22 years. For 13 of the years we have been married. We are both 36 years old and we meet at school. My wife and I have 3 children. 9, 7 and 3. For the past 5 years I have treated my wife badly. I have on 3 occasions acted inappropriately with 3 separate ladies. The first occasion I meet a lady at work. We formed a bond and became real close. My wife found a text message on my phone saying ‘I Love you too’. After this I moved away from the marital home for quiet a few months. We sought counselling and through time we managed to reconcile things and we moved forward. The lady has since left my current place of employment. One the second occasion I was seen with a lady who my wife disliked. My wife had a gut feeling about this lady. This lady was involved with my son’s soccer team. I was the coach. We were seen together alone. As innocent as it was I except that I shouldn’t have been alone with this lady. We were awaiting the arrival of a third person when we were seen. My wife took this hard as her trust was already very fragile. But to her credit she tried to move forward. I didn’t have any feelings towards this lady. It was more the fact I lied as to my whereabouts. Which I did to protect my wife’s feelings. I should have been honest from the start and I except that. I believe I showed nothing more than bad judgement in not telling the truth to my wife on this occasion. I have since changes soccer teams. On the third and most recent occasion I acted inappropriately with a lady I meet in a club. I was there with a group of friends as it was a going away party. My behaviour was regrettable and I demonstrated bad judgement. As I sat talking to this lady (we were sat with a large group of people) we talked about everything from years married, births of our children (she had three children as well) we spoke about all honest and open family topics. But during the course of the night this lady became very touch feely and for whatever reason I didn’t stop it or her. I am again away from the marital home. With all these 3 women I have never ever sought anything sexual from them. After the first incident I sought help from a psychologist. She help both myself and my wife deal with issues and was a major influence on us surviving. After the second incident I was seeing a doctor or my own and she helped me deal with the lying and I was able to move forward. I only saw this counsellor a few times, on my own. My wife didn’t come and possibly didn’t know I was seeking professional help. After this most recent incident I have returned to my original psychologist and have gone on a mental health program. I have also been diagnosed as suffering depression (Im not taking any medication as yet). My psychologist has diagnosed me with a form of Attachment Disorder. She can trace this to my childhood up bring where I was raise solely by females i.e. my mum, nana, aunts ect (my therapist believes my mum suffers from narcissism) I had until recently a lot of resentment towards my mum. I had no solid male influence in my life growing up. So now she feels I can’t connect with males and this is the root of my problem. My Doctor has been in discussion with my psychologist and he is also agrees with her diagnose. She feels as a man all Im seeking is approval from these ladies. Hence me not being interest in sexual pleasure ect. I appreciate that depression and mental health isn’t an excuse or reason to act this way. But my therapist said they are an explanation for my behaviour. After each occasion I have sort some form of help. I would continually write letters to my wife explaining my sorry and hurt for treating her this way. I do understand that every action has a reaction and that consequences will follow. In my letters Im always apologetic and I promise I will never hurt her or our children again. My wife is now finding it hard to believe me as she feels my sorry and apologies are the same old continual pattern. And I don’t blame her for thinking that. She must have a pile of them by now. However I find it’s hard to communicate any other way when I have hurt her feelings. My question to you all is do you believe that after reading my brief history do you firstly believe that my mental heath can be an explanation for my actions and secondly and most importantly. Do you think there is any way possible I can make my relationship work with my wife? I want to make it work. I don’t think its hard work or anything. I feel I have learnt everything about myself now and I can’t possibly hurt her or my family anymore. I have stood up and taken ownership for my behaviour and Im willing to do whatever is possible to improve as a person and as a husband. My wife is adamant were finished. Which I find really sad as I feel my heath issues do play a part and Im working as hard as possible to fix them. My psychologist has suggested I stop therapy as Im at point now whe

Public Comments

what a jerk
how could you cheat on your wife you seem gay grow up, act like a man and not a little boy cos ur not a man
ya, im not going to read the book you just wrote. but you want to "fix" yourself "for her"... doesn't make sense buddy. fix yourself if you think you need it. your really not doing her any favors here. spare her the hurt and the lies you are putting her though.
Your mental health didn't make you cheat, your inability to control your base urges did. I hope she is through with you, she deserves a REAL man. You do not deserve her forgiveness, and she should not give it.
This is the most boring post I have ever read. Do you always go on and on about yourself? No wonder your wife doesn't want you.
yeah this isnt called "write a 3,000 worded story" there is no way im gonna read all that sh*t you just wrote....hell naw!
Hi. Sorry you are going through all of this. In your whole book up there... I didnt' see you mention once how much you loved your wife. Think about if you do or not... think everything through. You may be surprised. Its not just about "hurting" her and trying not to. You do have to make yourself happy first. Take care of yourself, find out more about your likes dislikes. What do you like/love about your wife. Maybe you may be better off without her? Or with her? You have to sit and think about every single thing! It sounds like you do like the excitement of the attention from another woman. A lot of people like that! Just try to not take it to the next level. Good luck. I feel ya.
you sound gay to me. you sure you didn't "daydream" this wife and kids story?
You want to fix yourself? You should have been "fixed" before you had three children, because you are a wretched example of what a man should be to them. I suggest you leave your wife and children, do not ever see your wife or children again, and give them 100% of your paycheck for the rest of your life. If you really want to show her that you've changed? Do that. No man ever really wants to prove anything, he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.
What??? No sex, no violence, and no helicopters exploding... May I suggest that you re-post your question in Math & Science section and put it under PHYSICS category, please.
get the help for yourself,and never betray another woman.its a huge character flaw just stop it,and don't try to manipulate women.be faithful and don't flirt,don't talk,don't get emotionally involved with any woman if u are in a monogamous relationship.......
Look counselling only goes so far and labels can actually be detrimental. I dont' think your behaviour goes back to your childhood or 'attachment disorder". Like a lot of people you have trouble being faithful because you can't be bothered to control your urges. Not that you can't its that you won't. People are attracted to others all the time, I am, my husband is, my friends are but you don't act on those impulses because you love and care for your partner or spouse. If you want to 'fix' yourself you have to put the work in to do so. Counselling isn't going to 'fix' your issues only you can do that. Counselling can provide insight but you aren't going to wake up one day 'cured'. And your therapist can probably see that they've done all they can and the rest is up to you. You also need to think less about yourself and more about your wife and her feelings. Personally if I was your wife I would have left your a** a long time ago.
Damage control. Trust is extremely hard to get in the frst place, lone less regaining it once the trust is really broken, especially three times. Put yourself in her shoes and what would you do if the places were reversed? Once a woman is scourned, the man is in deep trouble. After 3 times, youre going to have a real problem getting her to retrust you since none of us cant ever guarantee whats going to happen in the future given the same scenario. True, youve seeked professional help each time but thats no guaantee that it wont happen again and thats what shes looking at. Shes tired of being hurt and no one can ever blame her either. You may have just done too much damage to save your marriage but continue the help for yourself and no one knows what could happen tomorrow. You will probably need a huge amount of time to rewin her over again but learn very well from this and be prepared to move on without her for now. But I think you already knew all this. Sorry and good luck
Yes. But it takes two to do it. She won't forget, nor should she. That level of trust and closeness you once shared has been reduced and will very likely never regain those heights again. You are an adult, you can't make out with every women that comes on to you and expect to have a marriage. You have to offer how you will make it up and prove your fidelity. Your actions have to be atoned for in a caring and compassionate way, not just forgiven and forgotten. Yes it will be hard work and require sacrifice. Excuses won't help. Look at yourselves in a mirror and work on improving your relationship by embarking on a lifelong committment to achieve that goal. Start by removing obstacles like infidelity, drinking, porn, gambling, resolving differences, financial crisis... anything you can identify which is an obstacle to a great marriage. You screwed up, again, again , again.......Whatever she decides, you have to stop your meanderings. Its her call, you have to respect her decision.
as u urself said u can't blame her. She doesn't trust u at this point and no matter how much u love her she feels u didn't to turn elsewhere even to talk to women. u could have gone to talk to her so yes she is hurt and she will not budge she did all that already so she is standing firm to protect her heart...Its called protecting her heart...I doubt if she fell out of love with u she loves u but she doesn't trust u so now all the sorrys are not gonna matter right now and u coming forward begging her for forgiveness sickens her stomache because u been there already so my advice to u honestly backoff from doing that. give her space to breathe to heal herself her feeling like a azz for believing in u. Call ur children every nite to say goodnit and don't hold conversation with her right now, Keep the relationship with the kids of course do this everyday gradually ask her how she is and tell her u miss her not the love word! not now! keep doing that it will either pan out or it won't of course don't give up but don't push her either because u feel guilty understand ....if u never slept with these women u have not cheated on her! so im alittle confused here but u should have been honest and told her that from the jump! good luck and another things alot of us have issues from our past be it child hood bad relationships whatever but we learn from them and try to be a better person we are not all perfect thats what makes us unique but we also have to learn to discipline ourselves and our weaknesses we can do it u can too! Again good luck and remember don't hound her no love words just i miss u is good.let me know how u do! Good luck really!
My situations are similar except I didn't cheat on my wife. I was just too stubborn on the financial management that caused instability in our family foundation. I tend to hide / lied about our finance to the point of having to embezzle and cheat my customers to support a false stable front. Anyway, only time will tell. I tried leaving her letters, text her, talk to her and to the point I, Myself are tired of saying the same old thing over and over again.I know you wanted immediate reaction or acknowledgements. You wouldn't get it. Her trust with you are gone. No matter what you say or do, only time and honest actions from yourself will define it it work or not. Don't try to do stuff to please her. Do the right thing for yourself and hopefully will improve your self and the image that she may see of you. It will take time and actions is the key. I used to love my wife dearly and thinking she is the only one.But not anymore. Be prepare to expect the worst, separation. But you still have a chance, just do your best in correcting your mistake. Take care of the family and with enough time, your wife's trust can be rebuild. That's what I'm hoping on my case, hope it will work for you.
Well, fine. You went to a therapist who gave you a nifty defense for your cheating. That is her job, and you probably wouldn't pay her the big bucks to tell you you're just a slave to your urges. I'm sure that every person who cheats has some sort of psychological reason they can dream up to account for their - uh - BAD behavior. You wife has endured your cheating and lying on three occasions. You have done more than hurt her feelings. You have destroyed her trust and your marriage. I would have thrown you out for good after the first time. Cheating - is - a - deal breaker. Period. Suck it up and move on.
dude get divorce and have sex with other women until you get tired after 150 yrs
You say you acted "inappropriately"...that is an understatement. YOU DESTROYED SOMEONE WITH YOUR SELFISHNESS. Do you have any idea what kind of beautiful thing you ruined? For both of you? Do you have any clue how sweet of a story it could have been, that you met growing up, etc? SHE GAVE YOU THREE CHILDREN. She even forgave you the first time. And you dared to betray her, yet AGAIN?!? Your attempt at wording is obvious, it does not give you any credibility. The only 'credit' to you is that you tried counseling, that was good. But the point is that it seems you just kept repeating the crime, so to speak, and you only are sad perhaps that you were caught. Think of how you would have felt if SHE had CHEATED on YOU...Honestly, you do not deserve her. I am not trying to be mean or anything, but seriously, you ruined her life, screwed up your kids' perceptions on relationships and love, and now they all have to 'rebuild'. You bit the hand that fed you. You should kiss up to her for the rest of your life, do exactly what she requests of you, if you really are sorry. That includes leaving her in PEACE.
Arthur, Paul, and Genetic all have good answers. I am not the one to cast stones like some of these other douches. What I will say is that all the counseling in the world doesn't mean a thing if you are not following your heart. It sounds to me like you are more interested in playing with other women and you are trying to be something you're not. Make a choice. You may not be able to salvage anything with your wife, but like it or not that is the path you have chosen. Love your kids, try being FRIENDS with your wife. You'll have to back off or she will keep pushing away. Maybe if you can build her friendship and are a good father you can work things out...Maybe not. Best wishes
I only read the top 6 replies and I don't think that you guys are being very nice. What you did sucks, but we all have demons that we have to face and at the very least, at least you are honest and trying to deal with your demons. As for your wife, even though there is an explanation for your behavior, she probably should stay away for herself, because you obviously haven't done enough yet to work on this. You have the ambition to fix yourself, but she has to see change not hear it. If you are serious, then you need to check in with her constantly. Even if she doesn't want to answer the phone, you should leave her messages telling her where you are at, what you are doing...etc. Maybe she'll see a change while you are gone and eventually give you another chance. Go get the book "Love Dare Challenge" Do it 1 dare per day. It's your best chance, I think. Good luck on fixing your self for her and for you!
Why did you get married? men like you is why women treat men bad because of what you do why do you have to be so stupid. You know I was married for 14 years and my ex husband did the same thing to me and and i can not stand the stupid man I don't think he deserves to be here on earth. you know you give everything that you can and this is what a person gets in return. I can not trust a man any more everything that comes out of a mans mouth i think is a lie so if your wife is still with you, you better be happy but you are going to doing it again. So I don't think you can fix yourself up.
NO! it is not your mental health it is your ability not to be honest, faithful to the person you ask to marry you the person that has your children. You made the choice. Not telling the truth never is the answer it only makes things worst. It is not your choice to say if you can make it work with your wife, she is now in control of this relationship you gave up your right when you betrayed her. Do you really think that you can just say you are sorry and she will be ok "GET REAL" Are you sad because your marriage is over or because she has come to know the real you " A lying, cheating @#$%%#@. By the way your wife did not end the relationship YOU DID, AND YOU DID IT WITH THE FIRST WOMAN YOU LAID DOWN WITH. HOW DARE YOU BLAME HER IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO KEEP YOUR MARRIED BED CLEAN!!!!!!