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Read this please. (Un Revised un edited un cut Edition)?

This is my chapter one of soul sucks, i wrote it but I want someone to write a second chapter told from the Savior "Lisa the preppy girls" point of view. It would mean you would get credit for it. I may not choose any of yours though. But read it and make snide or sweet comments. THANKS!!! P.S. It sucks right now but maybe it wont suck when i have actualy read what i wrote. Lol The school sucked, so did the girls, and the teachers. The cafeteria food smelled like cow intestines and I broke my locker. My super strong senses told me I shouldn’t be here; there were so many people I could hurt. This was the first school that I went to that had cliques. It was amazingly stupid. The preppy girls smelt good, the skater boys… didn’t, I never saw the nerds they spent so much time in chess club. Why! Why! Must my master be such a jester! Sending me to school, I would rather be waiting on Dracula! Was this part of my test? I think not! My empty stomach growled, I hadn’t had a soul in 5 days and the teachers made me nervous but making me stand in front of the ENTIRE SCHOOL at the morning assembly, I just wanted to suck someone right then and there!!! Okay, I must calm down, this isn’t good for my health, I don’t want to be a crazy, repeat, and I don’t want to be a crazy!!! Time for my English class, greeeeat another place where all glittering eyes will be on me! I wandered into the torture chamber, the overwhelming smell of souls and lifeblood made my tougue tingle. I walked to the front of the class and gave my slip to the teacher. He motioned for me to stay. The bell rang and everyone clamored into his or her seats. “‘Afternoon everyone.” Mr. What’s-his-name said, “This is our new student Salem.” Like everybody didn’t know! “I’m sure one of you will help him find the bus after class.” I don’t RIDE the bus! “Richard, will you be so kind to have Mr. Salem as your partner?” “Yeser.” A really nerdy kid in a game stop tee shirt said, his big glasses sliding down his huge nose. I walked through the isles and sat next to the guy. ‘I bet I know more than you do.’ I thought projecting it into his mind. “Did you say something?” Richard said “Nooooo.” I said innocently ignoring his wide-eyed gaze. Mr. What’s-his-name went into a big long lecture about something I already knew, so I just doodled hot guy anime cartoons all over Richards’s binder. Richard was so enthralled that he didn’t eyen notice. I was getting better my hunger fading during class, Richards’s smell was ruining my appetite, lets just say his soul smelled worse than Michel Jackson (I have this close to Michel Jackson) The bell finaly rang and I sprinted to my already trashed locker, puling it open without the combo breaking the handle off. I shoved the handle in my locker and grabed my book bag, forgetting my homework I sprinted to the door and out. The air calmed my Spirit ache in my head and I ran all the way back to the gothic mansion where JO and I were staying. I burst through the door forgetting to open it; shards of wood splattered everywhere. Jo looked up from reading the news paper and cocked and eyebrow “You know this house is only rent we don’t live here, you need to remember to open the door.” I growled letting my instincts take over. Jo shot up and jumped on top of me to restrain me from tearing apart the house. “Oh no you don’t.” I struggled but when he stuck the syringe that he always kept into my side, I went limp. “That bad huh?” I nodded weakly turning my head into a more comfortable pose. Jo got up and dusted himself off, he was posing as a plumber in this town so he could get free meals, along with showing off his muscles and but crack, swooning the ladies into other unmentionable stuff (he would never take an innocents soul) he pulled down his plumber pants a little to show his boxers and grabbed a sedated deer from the closet. “How the hell did that fit in there?” I asked already focusing my mind on the dears open neck. Jo shrugged pulling the deer closer to me. The antibiotics wore off quick and I jumped and attacked the deer. I always felt sorry for the thing L when I sucked its life out. I stopped when I had my fill, and the deer not completely dead yet was dragged back to the closet. “Hey kid you okay?” Jo asked, Concern fading his sparcle green eyes. “Yea.” I grunted “And don’t call me kid.” I got up, still dazed from the deer. I fell onto Jo knocking him over. “OOF!” Jo said his arms and legs flailing he plopped down. He immediately got up pulling me with him dragging me up the stairs. “Jo! Jo! Let go! JO!!!” I screamed at him. “I will not have you fall on me right now, you are not okay stupid! School is hard you have to get used to it! You have to work on that stone you idiot, we need to find out what it says.” Jo yelled back I went limp and let him drag me down the hall and to the workroom. He left me limp on the floor Please dont use my idea, and publish it because its my idea and you dont even know is salems a boy or a girl do you! Or jo he could be a shman! please please please please no copyrighting

Public Comments

1. It's good, I would definitely keep reading and most of the time I don' t like books like this...but this is good. I wish I could help you write it but, I barely know grammar as it is, sorry...hope it turns out great!!! ^.~ P.S. In the 1st paragraph, when Salem says "My super strong senses told me..." you should put something like, "I could already tell I shouldn't be here..." or something else, because putting "super strong" makes it sounds like Salem is Superman or Batman...and unless he is, then I would change it to fit the mood of the story better...idk but it sounds like he is a warewolf or something...
2. ok it does need a little work but you already know that so other then that i think it was ok.